No Excuses for Self Absorption
71At a recent 25-year reunion with batch mates of my journalism course I realised just how self absorbed I must have been in my youth. A former classmate mentioned why she didn’t spend much time hanging out with the rest of us back then – she had recently lost her father and had to start working to supplement the family income. While the rest of us were shooting the breeze at the local cafe, she was earning a living.
I had no idea of her situation back then, and obviously hadn’t cared enough to get to know her better. Early on in the course I gravitated to a small group of like-minded people and we spent a lot of time together, quite possibly excluding others from our midst. There were only about 20 students in that course – not exactly a large number to get to know – and yet what did I know about most of them other than their name? What was I doing back then that was so important that I couldn’t spend a few moments learning more about my classmates?
Twenty-five years went by and not surprisingly I had lost touch with most of my classmates. And then at the reunion I met this bright and confident lady who had moved on from doing modest part time jobs to a successful career in journalism before branching out to pursue other interests. Perhaps I would have enjoyed her company back then, if only I had made the effort?
Was it the general self absorption of youth or was the disinterest more specific to me? I realised others from my group of friends were as clueless as I was, but the reassurance was only short lived. It wasn’t long before I realised that there was lots I didn’t know about that group of friends as well, despite all the time we had spent together! Whatever did we talk about? Quite likely, given that we were learning how to be journalists, we engaged in a lot of pompous discussions and pointless arguments about the state of the world. The trivial details of our lives didn’t matter.
It got me thinking anyway. Was that self absorption still a part of my personality? I’ve always been rather detached but I like to think I care enough about my family and friends to stay abreast of what’s going on in their lives. One thing journalism taught me well was to ask questions and though I am quite at ease asking them in a professional capacity, I tend to refrain from asking too many personal questions. That doesn’t mean that I don’t offer a willing ear when someone wants to talk. And when I think about it, I know some surprisingly intimate details that I probably have no business being aware of!
But, I wonder, can anyone stay truly self absorbed these days? Thanks to the rampantly intrusive strides technology has made, we’re subject to all kinds of information without actively seeking it. From mundane details about everyday lives to opinions on obscure subjects, we’re being bombarded every time we switch on a television or computer or phone. You may not want to get involved but you’re in the midst of it, and unless you fall off the grid completely, it’s something you have to live with.
I actually knew quite a bit about that classmate’s current life even before I caught up with her in person after 25 years. It’s all out there on Facebook – family and work details and photographs and even how she feels about certain issues. As long as I’m online and connected to the wider world I have no excuses for ignorance, or even self absorption. Which is a good thing. Or not.
It depends on one’s perspective. Being less self absorbed means I am more open to the world and what is happening around me. I am more in touch, less isolated. It also tends to clutter my life with unnecessary relationships and inconsequential issues. Perhaps I am better off not knowing certain things or people. Maybe it’s a good thing to stay on the periphery of existence, staying blissfully unaware of things beyond my nose. But then there will always be an elusive scent not inhaled, a friend not met, a story not heard...
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I think my problem is being a little too involved with people's lives and I need to in fact step back and staaaaaaaay away.
Friend FP, it WAS the general self absorption of youth, but having said that, I have a friend who gives the lie to that theory. I have known my friend for 40 odd years and over this period I have seen him show consistent patience and interest in what other people have to say. He listens carefully to what a complete stranger has to say and even if the stranger turns out to be a complete moron, my friend finds something in what had been said to make a kind comment on.
However, THAT kind of sainthood is not normal ;-))))
Don't beat yourself over the past ;-)
Very novel way of getting me here, Ash. It worked! The whole self absorption thing is necessary to some respect. After all we need to know ourselves, before we can take on others and appreciate them.
When we are young, we all put ourselves first. It is not until we have been in the world and realize that we are not the centre of the universe, do we question our own motives and become the person we would like to be.
A good thought provoking hub. Voted up and shared.
I really liked this article. I've asked myself almost the same question--am I a too-disinterested observer looking on at other people's lives, instead of getting intimately involved?
Don't get me wrong--I like people in general a lot. It's just that I don't want to borrow other people's troubles--I've had enough troubles of my own. And, if that sounds selfish or self-centered, it probably is.
It is also a matter of how we use our time. Time is limited per individual. We only have so much of it to share with others. Me, I'd rather be DOING something I feel accomplishes something. That sounds pretty bad--pretty anti-social, too, doesn't it?
The time I share with others is often spent in trying to accomplish something collectively, or helping the person to accomplish something. In passing, I get a lot of info about the person and often find much to admire.
It's the way I'm set up, I guess. I have not much use for Facebook other than to keep in touch with a few distant relatives that I care about.
Fe, talking about self absorption reminds me that on Sunday I was speaking with a friend about crazy drivers. She told me of a harried taxi ride she had in India. "The worst of it was, we were driving on the left side of the road!" I was astonished and embarassed. Here I have all these lovely and inspiring hub friends in India, but have no idea which side of the road you travel every single day!
Another sad moment for me was discovering one of my closest friends in high school had been repeatedly sexually abused in her youth. I was with her most weekends and never knew the horrors of her nights.
I admire those with the capacity to open their worlds wide and ask the right questions. I admire you!
Nice one Ash - I remember meeting one of your journo batch mates in Delhi. And she told me some of the things you were absorbed in then!
You've got me thinking how different it is for Army course mates, especially the ones from the same squadron in NDA.
We got to know more about each other in those three years as cadets, aged 16 to 19, than even our closest family members did in the 40 years thence. Like it or not, we practically lived, exercised, studied, and underwent extreme physical and mental stress together.
Good days they were, and great guys they still are!
Ah FP.. where does the correct balance between apathy and empathy, detachment and attachment lie? We all go through this in our travels and I'm sure that we all place too much emphasis on questioning choices made, without really considering the true context of the events which led to the often hasty decisions made.
I don't believe spreading oneself (privacy-wise) across 'social' networking sites or tweeting one's daily 'movements' is very clever and believe we are all yet to see the real downside of such actions. They are after all, commercial entities and as such are traded as commodities which 'own' our information, until eventually a generation or three, reach that same plateau as you did some 25 years later... and in a need to justify their decisions made, question their levels of Self Absorption! Was nothing learned from Woodstock??
"Staying blissfully unaware of things beyond my nose!" Sound good indeed. If the scent eludes you, don't pursue it, if the story does not reach you, it won't bother you. If it does not bother you, bliss is nearer. Well seriously I think that's the way to go.
That works well for me, so I think that's just right. Er ... just the basics.
Thanks Feline, and cheers!
I guess it's a lot to do with age and with circumstances. Kids in boarding school for example, know a lot more about each other than kids in day school. So don't overthink it :D I think most of us were self-absorbed at that age without really meaning to be!
Our age was different, we were clueless about what was happening in our neighborhood. We could blame it on the lack of exposure or maybe our innocence!
Times are different now, there is so much awareness about everything thanks to the media that even a 5 year old would know the features of a iphone...lol
As long as you have patched up with your old friend and are considerate about her needs, it puts an end to all matters!
A good example to make us all reflect on our past and try to improvise on our future. voted up as useful.
After reading your considered and provocative words and the excellent and heart felt comments, I'm going to snuggle under the covers on this cold winter day, like my daughter's cat Niki, and take a nap. Puuuurrrrrrrrrrrr and kneading too, in an exquisite moment of self absorption. :)
I love the new electronic age...I keep way more informed and actually connected with friends and family now. As the years drift away and people move and have families things change.
I had one girlfriend I kept for life (till she died a year ago) since the 7th grade. Do Not have a best friend from High school ,but do have 2 friends(of 35 + years) from when I was a young mother.
Other then that I have acquaintences because everyone is either working with a family or is old and just doesn't get around anymore...
So friends do come and go and some we are more attached to then others, I am just thankful for the role they all played in my Life and hope maybe I helped them some...
Oops Blabble Blabble...Nice hub my dear...your are so thoughtful and caring...:O) Hugs G-Ma
FP, you made stop and ponder, which is not the first time, and with me it's the reverse, I am more self absorbed these days or perhaps the word is "detached" than in my youth. The reason for this is, nowadays, I understand we are all were need to be, it's all part of the human experience. Knowing extra personal information and hearing about family dramas, as an example,is none of my business. However, if I see a friend or acquaintance in need, I am the first to help, if I am able to.
The electronic age is amazing... I connected to two nieces that I have never met, as they live in South America and I was an aunt to one of them at age 13.
i agree with violet sun in a way. we are much more intrusive now since the nature of the social interaction has changed .We know more about more people but maybe we do not get into depth about the ones we are close too since the breadth of the interactions leaves us very little time to burrow deep.
btw you maybe unintrusive but for one such you do enjoy gossip as much as the next gal!! I should know! lol
Ritu - Poseurs, huh? :D
Diana - Easier said than done? :)
DG - Fortunately, I'm not aspiring to sainthood! :D
Hawkesdream - Glad to see you here! And you put it very well. Perhaps it makes more sense trying to figure ourselves out than worry about being detached with others! :)
Paradise7 - Each of us have our own paths to follow. I often feel the way you do - that I have enough on my plate without taking on other people's troubles. But I suppose one can be empathetic without getting too involved.
Storytellersrus - Online overdose notwithstanding, there's no way we can really know enough about our friends...but it's enough to know they care! :)
Jaspal - I shudder to think what she told you! I suppose there is a group of friends that one is extra close to - but one does tend to be a bit non-inclusive in youth. As you grow older you do open up to more people. It's great that you are still in touch with your NDA course mates. :)
Pearldiver - We have to find our own balance, and for a Libra like me that's sometimes difficult! :)
Quicksand - So, what you're saying is quit thinking and go back to sleep like a sensible cat, right? :D
Shal - And you're telling me the same thing !:)
Ruchira - We were clueless but happy, don't you think? :)
ST - You have the right idea, completely! :)
G-Ma - I'm so glad to have found you...and I love getting to know more about you! :)
VS - You are certainly more evolved than most of us, and I for one, take many cues from you! :)
Neelesh - You know way more about me than you should!! :D
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. And do forgive my brief responses - I generally lean towards one-liners. I'm always surprised when I can write a complete hub! :)
Ash I do not think u r self absorbed. You are a very good listener that has been my personal experience. I think being detached is good for your soul. You come alone you go alone. You interact with a few like minded people without intruding on their personal space.
Many of us are self absorbed when we are young, FP. It's a condition of youth. Empathy seems to arrive as we grow older and wiser. For most of us, that is.
No Feline, I only meant that ignorance has always been bliss for me and has worked wonders on me ... and I am human! :)______________wide grin!________________:)
Dipti - Thank you! And that's a great way to look at things! :)
drbj - Thank you for your reassuring comment! :)
Quicksand - Right. I believe you! Hehehe.:)
Wow FP, 2012 seems to be bringing out the introspection, huh?! :)
Very thought provoking hub, indeed! To those lucky enough to have you as a friend, either through the www, or face to face are, well, lucky! :)You have all the qualities needed. Period. :)
Every person/situation one comes in contact with is there for a reason...and each teaches us lessons we need at that particular time....so enjoy each current moment, for it will define your past, as well as your future! :)
Cheers to Friendships!
Thank you, Rashmi - as always you know exactly what to say! :)
I don't remember my childhood and teen years very well, mainly because I was self-absorbed and had very little interest in the things and people around me at the time. I had my own interests and it was regretable that there wasn't anybody, particularly the opposite sex, who had the same interests. For example, I've always liked jazz music from the years 1920s through 1950s. I have other eclectic interests and as a result, I earned the eccentric reputation. My teen years through early 20s were lonely years and as a result missed out on many adventures that young people enjoy. I had an opportunity to attend my 20-year high school reunion. I attended more out of curiosity to see how they turned out and to my surprise most turned out okay, led successful careers and had happy families. I still had nothing in common with them and coudn't reconnect with them. What can you say about a time in your life that you hardly recognized anymore. So I closed that chapter with the satisfaction that most turned out okay. Thanks to the internet and email I was able to find like-minded people, but I am still very much an island. Someone once told me that the environment and people around you are a reflection of what is inside you. If you want to change that environment, you need to change what is inside you. I have a friend who finds fascination in everything and everyone around him. At 80 he seems to be very much alive, happy and enthusiastic about life around him. I wish I was like him. He told me to be more open-minded, live in the moment and accept things as they come.
A lot of us seem to have been pretty self absorbed in our youth and I hope we've all turned out ok! Thanks for reading and commenting, Halwick! I'm curious how you stumbled upon this hub...:)
Feline Prophet,
To answer your question, I was perusing another website and it had a link to another topic on this website. Then I worked my way back through the url and found this topic, which I have some familiarity with, having been accused as such. It looked interesting and thought I'd add my two cents. Oh, by the way, I might add that I am a single child and grew up around cats, which can be pretty detached and self-absorbed people themselves.
Hmmm...perhaps that explains my fondness for cats? :)
Thought-provoking and cogent hub, FP.
We are all relatively self-absorbed in our youth ... it is our 'warrior' stage when we need to prove ourselves and plan our future life. We need this time to get out there and achieve and this needs that special sense of ourselves that is self-absorption. Relationships can be often fairly superficial at this age.
But as we age and have families it is not so acceptable as it can be construed as self-centredness, selfishness and being totally uncaring. It is important to always stay interested in what one's family is doing ... done with care it is never confused with being nosey. And if you offer advice carefully it doesn't seem interfering either.
Listening to one's friends at this later stage is important too and it is perfectly possible to be a sympathetic ear without becoming embroiled in their dramas. Listening respectfully can be the greatest kindness we can do for our close friends. Acquaintances are different ... things can be more superficial here. The trick is to realise which is which.
Thank you, Angie. :)
Listening is something I do well, even if I say so myself...but how many people can one listen to? As one's circle of friends increases it becomes more and more difficult to connect other than on a superficial level.
Phoenixritu 3 months ago
Given the present condition of social networking, I think remaining detached is the only way forward, considering the amount of information and personal details being thrown our way - be it via blogs or Facebook. In our youth - well the only thing that truly mattered then was our own self. We were such poseurs those days