Men Just Don’t Ask the Right Questions!
70The other day a friend mentioned that a friend of his was going to be a grandfather. Quite naturally I asked when. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask and he didn’t say,” he said. “But why didn’t you ask,” I spluttered while he looked at me with a deadpan expression, not overly impressed or alarmed by my histrionics. “That was the most important question!”
Most women would agree with me. Wouldn’t anyone with the slightest smidgen of curiosity want to know when the baby was expected? That is the news after all – not some vague statement about impending grandfatherhood! As far as my friend was concerned, he had delivered his news and was already on to other things. It didn’t occur to him that his news was half baked or that he had failed in his role of purveyor of useful information. That he hadn’t asked the important question didn’t perturb him one tiny bit.
My husband is like that. He will relate a long story about someone and what he said and did and so on, endlessly. “So, what was his name,” I’ll ask. “I don’t know,” he will reply, sounding kind of surprised that I should want to know. “But didn’t you ask,” I will persist with exasperation and he will shrug disinterestedly. Aaaaargh!
Why don’t men ask the right questions? Yes, I know their brains are wired differently and all that, but surely the natural progression of a conversation shouldn’t be so hard to maintain? Perhaps they just don’t like to ask questions, because that would imply an answer from the other person, leaving them less time to listen to the sound of their own voices. Or am I being nasty?
Most men, if you haven’t noticed, like to talk about themselves. Don’t be misled by the myth that men don’t like to talk. Or that they are made not to listen. It’s not a manufacturing defect. They don’t listen because they don’t want to, not because they can’t. They would rather talk. I often think back about conversations with my husband and realize that all the questions I managed to insert in what is actually pretty much a monologue, have remained unanswered at the end. Either he didn’t have the answers to what I think are the important questions, or he thought them an unnecessary interruption in his inspired storytelling. Quite likely, both.
Some of you might accuse me of generalising, but isn’t that what one always does when trying to understand the often incomprehensible differences between the genders? Such as why men won’t ask for directions and women can’t read maps, and other such mind boggling questions. Have you ever considered that men won’t ask for directions because that entails asking a question – the right question? It’s got nothing to do with machismo and all that other stuff the ‘Men are from Mars’ books tell us. Of course, some men will indeed stop and ask for directions, even if their female co-passenger is more than competently reading the map, but let’s not nitpick.
Women understand that a few well placed questions can change the entire tone and direction of a story, transforming it from a mere (and often incomplete) narration of facts to a truly riveting tale. Men just don’t get that. What seems to be a perfectly logical and essential piece of information to women is just another pesky trivial detail to be ignored for men. They aren’t going to ask unnecessary questions, so we might as well live with it.
I’m going to risk asking, ‘But, why?’
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Like the comment above emphasizes, they think differently. We love the emotions, the drama, the anticipation. We love to empathize. Men, poor souls, deal with facts, and 36D cup sizes
DG, I am completely flattered by the seriousness with which you have taken my ...er...scientific project! And, I'm sure my husband will be thrilled to have a sympathiser in you! Since you have deemed it unladylike to splutter I shall refrain from any comebacks to your comment! :D
Ritu, you're right - and as a storyteller who tells the most delightful tales you should know! :)
Feline Prophet. Hi. Oh dear, this was a great subject for you to share with us. Thanks.
Men don't seem to ask questions about the topic in hand, if they are not all that interested, They quickly get on to something else.( I have a feeling this comment is going to get me in trouble).
Loved this hub. Thanks for sharing it with us.awesome. :) :)
"But why", indeed, FP!....absolutely loved this post!
And moreover, also enjoyed every bit of De Greek's responses! :)
Carry on asking...or not, you guys! :P
I am not ashamed to say that after reading this I shed a bucketful of tears for your poor abused hubby.:P
Will not comment any further since what I could say on this subject may just fill a tome thicker than WAR and PEACE.
Hahaha.. Men don't ask, and some women, like me, ask too many.. guess the universe wanted a balance in the world! :P :D
This was pretty amusing and I will not attempt to disagree on much of it. After a telephone call, my wife will frequently ask me if I asked a certain question. I didn't because I didn't think it was important. It didn't occur to me that this had anything to do with male/female. On the other hand, she reads maps and I ask directions. She will walk around a large store several times and never ask where a certain item is.
Now, regarding talking, how often have you seen 3,4 or more women sitting together all talking rapidly at the same time? Don't you wonder how they coud hear and know what the others are saying. I like talking to women or men, but usually one at a time.
My father explained the difference thus;
Women are not of this planet, we do not fully understand why they are here and one day I suspect they will just go home leaving us none the wiser for their visit.
He also told me that he hadn't spoken to my mother in over two years, said he didn't like to interupt !
I asked the right question once ! Hi...How are you ?
I'll let you know the answer when she finally stops talking.
Great Hub FP...a further question you may like to HUB about...I find men not only dont ask the right questions ..they dont give the right answers either,I find that if you dont want to know the answer to a question dont ask in the first place then the answer wont hurt you !! This is a personal observation by the way !!
I was chuckling before I read past the first paragraph because my s/o would have done the same thing as your hubby, give me the news of a baby about to be born, minus the due date. And nope, my sweetie will not ask for directions while driving or in a store for an item unless I suggest it. In essence he doesn't have any interest in asking questions or getting help. A male thingy, I guess. LOL.
Enjoyed your hub!
i asked a question of my wife sarita thirty one years ago and am still suffering.why repeat a mistake.
and if we neither contributed to nor are going to be responsible for the consequences of a pregnancy why should we know when it happened.
what is the point in back calculating and telling the embarrased guy "ahaa that means when you said you had to go visit your parents since mummy was unwell THIS is what you were upto"
oliversmum, glad you liked it! Women have a lot to bear!
Rashmi, sometimes you've got to say it as it is!
Diana, poor abused hubby indeed! Hah!!
Uma, thank you for helping to balance the world!
Jack, a group of men will also talk all at the same time - the only thing different is what they're talking about!
Haha, Merlin, you'll miss us when we're gone!
Loveslove, that's a smart observation!
VS, I knew a lot of women would identify with this one!
neelesh, you've got it all wrong - we want to know when the baby is due, not when it was conceived! Trust a male to complicate things!
Thank you all for reading! :)
Men don't ask for directions because men have that instinct which tells them just where to turn and where to slow down and just what landmark to look for!
Women simply panic towards the latter part of the journey thinking that they have already lost their way! Negativity! (Real life incident!)
Madam, I have not finished yet, I am coming back to write more ... as soon as I get back home! Just couldn't help making this remark before leaving!
Cheers and blessings!
Loved this hub! I totally agree with you...:)
quicksand, I'm waiting to hear the rest of your comments. And I'm sure you found your way home without having to ask for directions! :D
Minilady, thanks for reading! :)
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this hub and all the comments on it!
De Greek is right ... this should be a big scientific project: Not why men don't ask the right questions, but why women want to know everything, even the most inconsequential details!
Jaspal, we are only exercising our right to information! :)
How can we women gossip to eachother if we dont know any details ?
Good point, Loveslove! :)
Hi Feline, am I late?
Thanks for the concern shown, I got back home yesterday as well as today without the need arising to ask for directions!
That's because my memory is good. Men's brains are wired differently and correctly, just as you have stated. Although you did not complete the phrase by selectively omitting the word "correctly!"
Omitting the obvious through fear of being redundant, huh? There again well thought out!
Anyway, out of all the articles I have read in recent times this one is the most interesting. I was able to visualize myself as the principle focus, the target of hostility!
What happens oft at home is "why didn't you ask?" "You should have asked!" "At least make sure you ask the next time!"
We men have some kind of an inbuilt mechanism that radiates positivity to such an extent that "asking" is often not important. Things just click mysteriously. This is a fact.
From the time you open the box and put the components together until the equipment is set and all ready, things do click.
Had you "asked" the flow would have been interrupted by pausing to ascertain whether instructions are being followed right.
Interruptions could be detrimental to the expected result. You see, this example will illustrate the idea that I am trying to convey.
So that's it! Men don't need to ask ... why should they, when their circuits are wired correctly ... and thank GOD differently too? ... !!!
Too funny - and exactly too true~ Men are a funny species are they not? We concentrate on details and they speak in generalities is my feeling on it!~
Thanks for voting for me, too - it seems like there is another round to this contest so may be calling on you again - now it is the tug-of-war part between the 2 top hubs. That's kinda weird but oh well! I think you can vote between Friday night (tonight) and Monday noon). If you're so inclined~
Ah, there you are, quicksand - glad you got here alright! I am shocked that you would consider yourself the target of hostility - this was just an attempt to understand why men are wired for differently. The jury is still out on whether it is correctly.:D
Thanks for stopping by again! :)
They are a funny species, indeed, Audrey! Oh well, we have to get our laughs somewhere! :D
Now, let me go and vote again!
Hey, this is fun. Let's hear more.
haha - should I risk repercussions and say you hit the nail on the head? :D
Very funny and oh, so true!
Funny species, huh? If not for my ancestor's rib you ladies would not be around to pass judgement ... Haaaaarh!!!
Breaking News! - Breaking News - Breaking News!
This happened an hour back! The newspaper delivery man said that that he will not be making his rounds on Sunday!
When I passed on this message, guess what happened ... ? !!!
Here's an except ... !
"He's not coming on Sunday? Then what about Monday?"
"Huh? I dunno!"
"Did you not ask him?"
"No, I did'nt!"
"Why not? Surely you should have asked him!"
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Jack, watch this space! :D
Shalini, glad you agree. Does Bharat ever stop by Hub Pages? :D
LOL, quicksand, did you not just prove my point, or what? :)
The word "curiosity" which you used in your hub is actually not that strong in most men. (There is a thin line beteween being "curious" and "nosey".) This explains why many of us don't ask a lot of questions. The other reason actually contradicts with your assertion that men love to talk about themselves. Most men would rather not talk all that much. Generally speaking people tend to treat others the way they want to be treated. If someone is not asking you a lot of questions there is a good chance that they don't want you asking them a lot a questions! Thank God for GPS! There's no need for a man to ask for directions or for a woman to learn to read a map anymore! :-)
One man's opinion!
dashingscorpio, obviously I've met all the talkative men! Thanks for reading. :)
T'was a man who invented the light bulb ... t'was a man who invented the telephone ... t'was a man who discovered pencillin ... t'was a man (two men together) who discovered how to harness the forces of nature and make metal (heavier then air) fly!
The list is endless ... they did so by asking themselves the right questions and answering all these questions all by themselves!
This would not have been possible if their brains were not wired correctly!
T'was not a woman who invented the light bulb ... t'was not a woman who invented the telephone ... the list is endless.
The reason for this is ... their brains were wired "differently!" (Did note the quotation marks? !!!)
Give up?
W i d e --- g r i n!!!
By protesting so much, quicksand, you are just asking 'but why' in your own way! :D
Fe, so glad Jaspal referred me here, hahaha. A few years ago, my husband actually asked me for a list of questions to ask our best friend from college- he was lunching with the guy and knew I would be frustrated when he arrived home with none of the important information, like, "What are his kids doing now" or "Is his father-in-law recovered from heart surgery?"
For the most part, my husband talks business or politics or "matters of consequence". He is not all that concerned with their "human condition" as in, the state of their family or especially their emotions. He will tell me his flying buddy's wife is traveling a lot and I will ask, "How does he feel about that?" My husband will not know, etc.
Yesterday, he hitched a ride to a six day bike marathon in Wyoming. On the way, the couple he went with stopped over night to attend a wedding. My husband assumed he would also attend the wedding and was shocked when he was "uninvited". He considered himself slighted, and yet, he had never been invited by the bride and groom! He assumed he was welcome, due to proximity?!! These are the questions he does not ask, because- as your husband might do- he does not think in these terms, "Oh, maybe they are having a sit down dinner and have already given numbers and it is expensive and they don't even know me." hahaha
Love it. Truly love it. Thanks for the laugh.
Glad it made you laugh, Storytellersrus (I have to think up a shorter version of that!). A friend asked me yesterday what had brought this on...she seemed to think I was being unnecessarily nasty! Obviously she hasn't met the right kind of men! :D
My heart bleeds for your husband - but he really should have asked the right questions beforehand! :))
Ok, This has provided a great mornings entertainment for my male sized brain. I was raised by 4 sisters so I was well trained. How ever I,m still a man...
you have to view this video...I think it will be be a great closer to this wonderful topic you have opened up...
Its called "the difference bettween men and women" its on utube if the link does not work...
Thanks for a great morning!!!
Mike :0)
Fe, please do not choose Stu or Strus, haha. Someone used to call me Story. I can't remember who and evidently they no longer visit my hubs, sigh.
My husband shakes it off. I am the one who stews, lol! I have been thinking of this issue for two days now, and I really do wonder what makes men think differently than women considering the repercussions regarding longevity. My brother in law claims men have more stress, but I think men handle it differently and can't shake it off as easily? I do not know.
PS You can tell our dear friend Jaspal that what is inconsequential is in the mind of the beholder!
mike, glad to have entertained! :D
Thanks for reading - I'm off to view the video now!
Storytellersrus, how about just 'S'?
Don't waste your energies stewing - far easier to just learn to accept the differences. But they make good topics for hubs, right? :D
Nice hub
Thank you! :)
So funny, thanks for the laugh. We will never fully understand the male psyche will we. All adds to the fascination I suppose.
Thank you, Gypsy Willow! And what's life without a little mystery? :)
Hi, this is so true! I have a male friend that starts at the end of the story, and sometimes, if he feels so inclined, actually adds bits into the middle! by the time I have nearly had a nervous breakdown, I make the great mistake of asking who the hell he is talking about, then he looks at me as if I am mad and raising his eyebrows says, what does that matter? exactly! you got it spot on, and as for liking the sound of their own voices my brother gets 100 percent for achievement! yatter yatter yatter, I then ask a question and he glares and says the same thing that he was saying! argh!
Hi Nell, glad you identify with the hub! :)
"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies". Long time comment from my mother about my father. I fear there is mis-interpretations in our midst.
Calculated conversation for a man is in regards to getting the info we need to factually complete a task. Calculated conversation for a woman is in regards to getting to how one feels about a subject before they can deal with the facts to complete a task.
"Honey did you call the garden center?"
"No. I was speaking to Phyllis. She tells me that the roses that Tom bought her had no trouble growing in their dirt. But that was after she threw them out the window. He was trying to get into Phyllis' good books ya know. Why is it men think they can make good with a flower?".
"Honey, you were calling about the dirt that Tom used.. right?"
"Oh, so now you don't want to talk about it. How would you feel if I came home from work a little flustered because a new associate, all young and muscly, was clamoring over me, and you got all sour, and all I did was bring ya a flower?"
"Honey, I'm at the garden center, they wanted to know the name of the dirt... could ya call Tom and find out?"
"Didn't you hear me? Phyllis isn't speakin to Tom because of this flower business"
"So YOU can't call Tom?"
Haha! Touche? :D
Thanks for stopping by, Enigmatic Me!
Cute hub...both of them, lol.
Polly
Thanks Polly! Which was the other? :)
Every once in a while you run into a man who has that interest about conversing that women do, and what a great conversation you get to have!
I'm thinking about a friend I haven't seen in 15 years who has just recently gotten in touch again. He and I are long overdue for an all-night jammy party...no, he's not gay, and no, there's no love interest, never has been. He's just a most unusual man.
I thoroughly enjoyed this Hub, as I do every Hub you write, and all the great comments, too. :)
ST, you're a lucky lady - I don't think I have any male friends like that! I used to think it strange that men gravitated towards each other at a party while women huddled together somewhere else - I've begun to realise it's probably more fun that way! :D
Thanks for stopping by - always great to see you! :)
Feline...I liked reading this hub esp since many hubs have been published about the vagueness of a woman and this is a First on Man...LOL
All I can conclude is just as Women are from Venus...Men are from Mars so, we are totally wired differently and as opposites attract...we did :)
cheers!
Yes, life would be very boring without men, indeed! Thanks for reading, Ruchira! :)
Interesting facts. Sort of makes you think ...thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Good to see you here gjcody! :)
Hello favorite feline, I agree with you that women are the "Enquiring minds" that want to know. If we had our way, when we get into the checkout line, there would only be "How to..." magazines. We don't care if Angelina Jolie is adopting another baby unless there is a sexy picture of her along with the useless information.
I do understand why you want to know all that other stuff. You women have the social responsibility most of the time and it requires keeping track of important events while we look up from whatever we are doing to nod in assent when it is time to participate socially. We know it is important, we are just delighted that you actually enjoy keeping track of such minutia and we, of course, would be lost without you nudging us in the right directions from time to time.
On the other hand, aren't you glad you don't have to know how to program the remote--that is if you ever get to hold it? =:)
Hello Wise Winsome! So glad you acknowledge our usefulness...and how indispensable we are! And yes, I get to hold the remote because I've learnt how to nudge my husband in the right direction from time to time! :)
Great Hub! :) Can't wait to read more of your Hubs..
Thank you, PBW! :)
This wasinteresting AND funny.
My husband could talk for Britain!!!!! Anything I tell him he forgets because he WASN´T LISTENING!!!!
Great hub.....
Thanks, DF! I think talkative husbands are a cross many of us have to bear! :D
De Greek Level 2 Commenter 10 months ago
THIS is a scientific project and must be treated with the seriousness and respect it deserves. So essentially, my answer must a somewhat lengthy one.
I was born in 1948 to a family that was loving and caring. I have two sisters and a brother and … no, I digress.
Back to the point.
Just like a woman, you have more or less answered your own question, FP and just like a woman YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN!!!....... ;-)))))))))
‘Wouldn’t anyone with the slightest smidgen of curiosity want to know when the baby was expected?’
– THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS NO!!!! We don’t GIVE a fig. The reason you women want to know, is to calculated the time when the poor expectant mother will go through her traumatic experience. We are more caring than that – we prefer not to know because it might cause us to suffer in sympathy and what’s the good of that? Do you know how distracting such a thing can be to a pocker game?
‘That is the news after all – ‘
-No, it is definitely NOT news. Women get pregnant every day. It would have been news if your messenger had said that the woman (or man) is sterile and cannot have children. THAT is news.
“That was the most important question!”
- No…. it was not. (See above)
“But why didn’t you ask,” I spluttered
- Now you see, spluttering for us is news, because it is un-lady like and you are such a lady, THAT would be worth reporting in detail.
“Most women would agree with me. “
- No doubt. Also without a doubt, most men would DISAGREE.
“So, what was his name,” I’ll ask. “I don’t know,” he will reply:
- I am not ashamed to say that here I shed a tear for your poor abused husband. Why would he care about the name of a moron whose idiocies he was describing in a casually witty manner calculated to raise a smile in the most difficult of audiences and to raise enthusiastic applause at the debonair way the story was told? The man’s name was OBVIOUSLY inconsequential!!! – Heloooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
“Most men, if you haven’t noticed, like to talk about themselves.”
- Yes, you are correct in this. The reason is that we like to interest, elevate and amuse. As a classic example, would you have written this amusing gem of a story if your husband had not being amusing?
“Women understand that a few well placed questions can change the entire tone and direction of a story, transforming it from a mere (and often incomplete) narration of facts to a truly riveting tale.”
- Yes, we men often see women sitting around a table with their eyes and mouths wide open in encouragement of whoever of their party is tearing to pieces the one member of their group who is at that moment absent from the board meeting
“Or am I being nasty?”
- That implies a request for advice. We men would never presume to give advice to women, because it is a well known fact that women know everything.
I LOOOOOOOOVED THIS FP!!! Well done ;-))))
(Feel free to erase this!) ;-)